June 2013
About 3 months ago, I began to “LOSE MY VOICE”, my passion
and my connection to everything in my life, including myself. Sadness and anxiety began to overwhelm me and
I could feel myself slowly declining from any dream or vision that had part of
my world for the past 25 years. I really knew I was in trouble when I began to
eat poorly and my workouts were becoming a chore and not the love or movement
my body needed to live a healthy life. I could not even journal as writing
about my feelings was how I survived in the past especially when I felt a
disconnect from life. A very negative
mindset began to arise and my world began to crumble. How was this happening? First, my past began to emerge, years of
abuse that I left behind came back to haunt me. That coincided with a physical
injury that was so painful that it left me helpless for weeks. I have never had
an injury of this magnitude before, especially an injury that could have ended
my fitness career. That scared me.
However, the most overwhelming issue I was trying to grasp on to was the
death of my dearest friend Gere in October 2012. It was not until after the
holidays when I realized how permanent her death was, but what I really did not
know was how I was going to emotionally deal with this loss or recover from her
death.
Gere and I met in 1968 when we were both freshmen in high school. Gere
was bubbly, kind, loving and a very unique person who would help, mold and
shape my life in a very special way. We
were two silly girls who loved life, very unconventional in our thinking and
born rebels. We were drawn together and instantly connected in a very extraordinary
way. Soon after we met, and realizing we had the same birthday we became pinky
blood sisters. For two gritty girls our friendship became an instant
sisterhood, the kind that would whether any storm and last throughout 44
years. In fact, we were soul mates,
connected for life. Gere lived one parish over from me and that meant we could
see each other outside of school and we did. I spent many days with her and her
family who became like my own. Her parents and sisters, who I adored, were kind
and loving and they welcomed me with open arms. Prior to her death, Gere had been in a coma
for almost 5 weeks. I was at the
hospital daily reading her books, singing to her, dancing to the disco music we
loved, reading scripture, talking about God’s love for her, telling her jokes,
holding her hand, talking about life but mostly I cried and prayed non- stop
for her healing. Every day, I could feel
her love and God’s angels in that room while I was there and I know that time
brought me even closer to her. Still,
for weeks I was in fog, crying, God help me out, how and why did this happen,
what was I to see or learn from this? In the end, Plenty! When she died I was devastated and was having
trouble truly grasping on to the permanent absence that would now unfold in my
life. I had to seek GOD for answers because no human could make me feel better
or help me make any sense out of her death.
While we all have our own way of expressing what we think death is and
the bible is very clear as to what awaits us, as I think about eternity I can
only imagine. We all hope in the end we
are good enough to spend it with a merciful God but I know that one day we all
stand in judgment. I knew that was where Gere was headed toward to meet her
creator. As I watched Gere in bed day
after day I felt helpless to do anything but be there. It was then I really needed to trust and
believe God had a plan for her as he does for me and I so needed to accept
this. As the weeks went on I finally found the peace I needed spending time in
prayer and reading scripture to comfort me.
Then, March 16th came, our 59th birthday. Sharing
the same birthday every year we would celebrate together even if it meant a cup
of coffee together. But not this year, I
would go solo and it was not sitting well with me. Like I said, I could not quite grasp onto the
bigger picture of her not being here anymore. No more phone calls, no more
dinners, no more girl talk or sleep
overs, it all ended on that dreadful day when I received the news. However,
even now as I sit and write about my Gere I can still feel her love. Gere was all about love, compassion and
forgiveness; she talked, lived and practiced it. Some may say that is a
weakness but in reality it is a way to free ourselves to really love and that
is what we all want, to feel love. Gere and I were planning our 60th
birthday next year and we decided we would both go to the Adirondacks
together. Next year on March 16th I will
celebrate both of our lives because
knowing Gere and being with her a short amount of time has made me realize that life is so precious, we
never know what is around the corner and that love and forgiveness is the only
way to true happiness. I can honestly
say I felt true love from Gere who was my special ANGEL and always there when I
needed comfort or compassion. Gere was a true friend. You see, a true friend is
not only there in the good times but will always be there when you fall down.
She lifted me up time after time and she is my heart forever. As for me, I am
feeling better than ever. I always knew
that I would come back stronger as I have done time after time. While I was shaken up for a while, I knew
deep down inside I would get up again and start over. So, after these few months of physical,
emotional, and mental CHALLENGES and SET BACKS I am standing tall once again. I
can honestly say that between a great chiropractor, some acupuncture,
journaling, rest, prayer to a GOD who promises to protect me I can say I feel
better than ever. There is not a day
that goes by Gere is not remembered, I feel her presence with me everyday. I know I will see her again
someday. Gere has taught me that
kindness, forgiveness and love will override any fear we might in this life and
that I serve a God who loves us all, especially in our darkest hour.
Debra
