FEELING SHAME~

The dictionary says that SHAME is a painful feeling of humiliation, distress or a painful emotion resulting from an awareness of inadequacy or guilt.  I think we can all understand how devastating  feeling SHAME would be for anyone who might experience it. This is exactly what happens when lives become undone because of some behavior that is not considered the norm. We seem to look, act and behave different. Most of the time SHAME stems from a past that follows us no matter how we hide it. For the overweight/obese person who experiences SHAME perhaps they were made fun of by siblings, parents, teachers or even neighbors. Kids in school could have bullied them and then that SHAME is acerbated because they are reminded of how imperfect they are carrying around a bigger body and not wearing a size 4 dress size. One of my clients who always felt SHAMEFUL over herself told me years ago, she would cut off her right arm to be thin. I can still remember that conversation and how horrible I felt listening to her say those words to me. As a professional women she felt that her weight was the biggest issue to overcome and she could not get a grasp on it. She tried every program and diet on the planet and yet she could never get to a comfortable weight and it became humiliating to her.  Everything she did in life revolved around her body and how she felt about herself and her constant dream of being thin.  Her attitude was very common among overweight women who felt that if they lost weight that SHAME would go away but sadly for most it does not. Losing weight is only the first step to a deep rooted emotional feeling.  I have been working with women for years in groups or individually and SHAME is one emotion that I not only hear them talk about  but it shows in how they feel about themselves. I cannot tell how devastated this makes me feel because all women are worthy of feeling good not matter what size or how much they weigh.


 We live in a visual society where women are judged by the way they look, what size they wear and how much they weigh. We want to pretend that looks and size do not matter but we all know they do. Most kids learn from childhood that being fat is like a disease. There are studies that I have read saying that some kids would pick a bully over an overweight classmate to be a friend. What have we come to in this society?. Overweight kids can sometimes feel SHAME from as early as kindergarten and it is can be overwhelming to them.
 As the world looks to Hollywood and the modeling industry for it's moral compass the devastation of feeling SHAME escalates for most overweight people. In a society where the average size is 14 but the modeling industry keep reminding us that a size 4 is the norm no wonder why women feel so  emotionally and mentally negative up about themselves.


 As a young girl, I always felt SHAME and disappointment in my life. In fact, I  cannot remember a time when I did not feel SHAME in my childhood right into  early adulthood. The SHAME of being sexually abused  from those who were suppose to be on my side and from parents who should have been protecting me, the SHAME of being from a broken family, the SHAME of my mother being asked to leave the catholic church because she was divorced, the SHAME of being fat my entire childhood but more so the SHAME of never fitting in and living a life that I felt was headed no where. Growing up the world around me looked very shattered, distorted and broken so I never felt whole. There was always something wrong or missing in my life for many years. Because my life was so toxic and spiraling downwards comfort is what I needed and it needed it immediately. Since I had no sense of family I began to turn to what was readily available and that was FOOD! Well, that was many years ago and today while I cannot say I still feel SHAME I certainly have come to grips with who I am and that my weight does not define who I am nor will I let it empower me in my life! 

Hugs, DEBRA

New Beginnings of HOPE~

Many times in my life I have gone through periods of doubt, turmoil, fear and uncertainty and some how I got past them without being crushed emotionally, however over the past three years it seemed harder to shake them off.  This time those feeling and emotions had such a  grip on me at times I was beginning to have serious negative thinking about my life that was not part of my plan. Prior to feeling such anxiety, I had always been the motivated, uplifted and inspired women that other women looked up and listened to. I was the go to girl who was always on top of being positive even in the trenches of life but the death of my dearest friend Gere, turning sixty, moving and starting a new job was so overwhelming. I could feel things beginning to unravel but I put them on the back burner. In 2012, after weeks of me believing for a total healing, I lost my dearest friend Gere who I met at age fourteen, we were pinky blood  sisters born on the same day. We met in the cafeteria as freshmen in high school and remained friends till she took her last breath. The pain of her death gripped me so tight that I could sometimes feel myself being strangled. The question of WHY was always on my mind. I would think about it, ponder on it,  journal about it and yet could not find any relief as my heart ached over this loss I felt.  Losing Gere was like losing a sister we were that connected. While  I never understood the WHY of it all God says we are to trust him and that is how I made it through the past three years. Gere was my go to girl when I needed to lean on someone. Gere and I bounced every issue off of each other that women talk about such as relationships, love and family and even retirement. We sometimes just checked in and other days we would  go deep with life in conversation.  Turning sixty was also a big milestone for me somehow, fifty nine was great but sixty sounded well so old.  I had run my last half-marathon at fifty five and now I was turning sixty. Say it isn't so. I had a total meltdown  as I approached that day that put me into orbit most nights with tears and feelings of frustration and lonliness that I had not experienced since I was a kid. Gere and I had planned on celebrating our sixtieth birthday on a mini vacation, as we both turned sixty on the same day but she was not around and frankly I lost all interest in turning sixty alone. I then took a job that took my out of the Philadelphia area and I put my business on the back burner to persue a new venture that did not work out. While this was rough transition I do believe it gave me rest time that I needed and a clear vision about what I needed to do with my life. While  I could not bring Gere back or get any younger I could move forward in my life and get back to my passion, helping women and that is exactly what the future holds for me. Today I am so hopeful, more motivated and feel so inspired to move forward free from fear and anxiety. I am certainly not saying I will no longer have the challenges, set backs and mountains to move somewhere in the future but I can this, without HOPE there is no future for any of us. I am GRATEFUL for NEW BEGINNINGS OF HOPE~