Since my last blog in June, I’ve learned many things. I’ve learned about myself, my history, life lessons, and most importantly, to let go. Life has a funny way of working out if we let it run its course. All too many times however, we try to interfere, kicking and screaming. Why not just stop, listen, and learn?
One of the biggest lessons that I have learned is that I cannot change the outside until I accept what’s on the inside. We all have baggage that we carry with us throughout life. If you’re an emotional eater like I am, that internal baggage eventually catches up to us and our bodies. When we feel like crap on the inside, we look like crap on the outside. If we could care less, it shows. Our emotions are powerful and if we allow them to consume us, it takes over our lives completely, jean size and all. I realized that my problem wasn’t my weight. That’s right; it’s not about the weight or the food. It’s about how I dealt with my emotions and problems, which ultimately resulted in a larger waistline. I chose food to numb me. I chose to stop living and instead closed myself up only allowing the comfort of confections to soothe my broken heart and angry soul. I blamed everyone and everything for my food addiction and for my weight gain. How can I be the person I was destined to be if I’m depressed and using food to “heal” me? Well I can’t. Nor can I expect to lose weight and keep it off. I had to begin to deal with the hurt before I could deal with the weight and eventually, begin to lose it. I had to let the emotional baggage go before the physical baggage could disappear.
Being a perfectionist doesn’t help either. I have this “all or nothing” mentality and sometimes it does come in handy. However most of the time it doesn’t. Because I choose to view myself and my progress both internally and externally through this skewed lens, I never measured up. If you always feel like a failure, what really is the point? I didn’t see one after a while and it was a lot less frustrating to do nothing, then to “fail all of the time”. I had to change this destructive behavior. I had to force myself to Stop. Breathe. Think. Each time I felt myself heading in that direction, I quit, regrouped and I started again. Not over, but again. I kept a private journal to express my emotions and I allowed myself to cry, scream, and just have a cow if that’s what I needed. It was better than keeping it in, eating it, or throwing my hands up in the air to signal submission. I’m human, I make mistakes. As long as I learn from them, then that’s all I can ask. Hey, news flash, I’m not perfect! You know what, that’s ok!
I also stopped allowing others and the numbers to bog me down. I had to; it was hurting me and me alone. I have since begun to set boundaries in my life for myself and for others. I have learned to stop being a doormat and that it’s ok to say “no” and to not allow the mom-guilt to get to me. I have stopped defining myself and my worth according to the number that flashes on the scale. I owned up to my weight and can admit it. I was 216 lbs this summer and wore a tight 18. I’m now 208.4 and wearing almost a 16. Sharing that no longer causes anxiety because it’s just a small fraction of who I am. Those numbers may be scary to some, but they are just numbers. If I loathe them, then I loathe myself, which I don’t. I am learning to take people’s opinions of me with a grain of salt but also learning to appreciate my personal value as a strong, vibrant woman. I am who I am, no need for shame anymore. My new favorite saying, “It is what it is”.
I guess when it all boils down; I’m just rediscovering who I really am. I’ve spent so many years living according to someone else’s rules and never really my own. I have been afraid to express myself for fear of how others might accept it or not. I’ve spent a lifetime it seems trying to live up to a standard that no one is capable of achieving, ever. That doesn’t make me weak, that makes me mortal. I’m able to recognize the distorted beliefs that I had and can change them. I can take the venom out of my words, my behaviors, and my thoughts before they cause me pain in one form or another. I’m finally able to sit with the anxiety and stresses of life and can deal with my past without food or running away. It’s not easy, nor pretty, but it’s necessary. Honesty is the best policy and that holds true for all aspects of life. I’ve learned to be honest with myself and others. More importantly, I’ve learned that before I can be happy with my physical being, I have to love, honor, and cherish my eternal self. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result”. Break the cycle and move on!
Fitchic_2010@yahoo.com
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